Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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