I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
