I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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