I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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