I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
