omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
