I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
