I cannot find my penis.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Bring me that man meat
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
