At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
