Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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