im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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