btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
