Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
