I hate your face
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
