I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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