Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
