I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
