So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
where are you?
Hypothermia
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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