So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
