remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
