I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
