I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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