Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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