Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
