I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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