i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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