When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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