Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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