mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
