She's JV to your varsity
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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