Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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