My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
