Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
