I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
