WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Randomize
