Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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