I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
