I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize