I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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