considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
