apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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