"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
