I hate all girls vehemently.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
