i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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