i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
