i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
