Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
