Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
