He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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