I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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