Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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