How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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