Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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