You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
