drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
