Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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