My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
