i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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