Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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