Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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