Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
