So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
