oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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