I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
