when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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